Coming Out Ahead
I knew my life was over when I was 15 years old. Very dramatic and tragic, oh so much like a teenager; I’m aware. It wasn’t even like I was lacking food, shelter, annoying siblings, toxic radio talk shows, or countless church activities. You know, the bare necessities of any mormon brat — exactly like how the classic Disney song goes. But those weren’t the only Maslovian needs the religion I was born into purported to meet. Being a mormon comes with an established roadmap of expectations and obligations that are supposed to lead to one’s ideal mortal and spiritual future through a combination of faith, obedience, and blessings from said faith and obedience.
The Roadmap of Mormonism
By the arbitrary age of eight, it’s figured you have enough awareness to consensually get dunked. First via getting dunked in a baptismal font (fully immersed, as they say), and then being prepared to get dunked on by any non-member you could possibly meet in your life. That last part is thanks to the culturally ingrained persecution complex that’s constantly drilled into every church member’s head from day one, due to early church history. As religions are wont to do. When you’re twelve (and AMAB), you receive the priesthood so you can go all biblical (New Testament edition, pillars of fire, salt, or any other kind are all out) if you want.
When you’re 18 (or 19 if you’re AFAB, but that’s a whole other conversation) it’s strongly encouraged — but just as adamantly “not” a “requirement” — to go on a church mission. It’s an opportunity for young adult church members to preach the good word, bother people on weekends and holidays, suppress all personality and negative emotion, indoctrinate themselves, recreate the high school social hierarchy and petty power struggles, go crazy over neckties, the usual. And from there it’s more unpaid labor for the church, attending college (typically a church affiliated one), getting married during college, having kids (during or after college, whichever happens, however long you can handle receiving unsubtle hints from everyone at church), and pursuing a career to ignore dealing with the marriage and kids if your church calling isn’t already doing that for you. That’s the basic mormon-American dream right there.
The Life Purpose of Mormonism
There’s a key event towards the end of that there description which ripples forwards and backwards in the roadmap, however, that’s one of the ultimate purposes of existence in mormonism. To summarize mormon teachings, after being born we’re basically on earth to marry as man and wife so we can reach the highest of highest heavens and become as gods in order to make our own worlds and spirit children, and continue the cycle of creation together for eternity. I honestly like this general idea of potential, progress, and infinite possibility, even if I’m less keen on certain known requirements. All this to say — 15 is when I realized I’m gay.
The Coming Out of Evan R. Bartholomew
It was an otherwise calm night. My schoolwork was taken care of, as were any other obligations I might have had. I can’t recall the weather, but I don’t believe it was storming. None of it really mattered at the time. What can I say, I have a conveniently spotty memory. What I do remember is kneeling at my bedside, head resting on the cold blanket atop my bed, praying, repeatedly muttering “I’m gay, aren’t I? I’m gay. I’m gay…” as salty tears flowed down my lips. It’s funny, because I was a little homophobic piece of crap back in middle school, repeating what I’d heard echoed at church. And yet, the epiphany explained so much about how I was through my elementary, middle, and early high school years. It was like I had a raw emotional numbing corroding away at me, an emotional constipation blocking any understanding of who I was. Admitting who I am and coming out to myself was the laxative I didn’t want to accept I needed.
Unfortunately, that laxative has troubling side-effects when combined with a high dosage of mormonism. Long story short, that night led to me hating myself, entering and leaving BYU schools a couple of times, coming out first to family and then publicly, gradually accepting and loving myself, finding supportive and fellow queer friends, no longer attending church meetings (I cannot accurately stress how many of those there are), having a deeper relationship with my supportive family, learning to develop much of the empathy I currently possess, expanding my spirituality far more than I could have imagined when repressing myself, and, most importantly, being able to make bad gay puns stress-free! What else can a gay come out and ask for?
